I hate attention. I hate it. I hate it. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!
My anxiety begins to act up when a lot of people draw their attention to me. My face gets red (no I'm not blushing or angry), inside I feel my face and sometimes body getting really warm (temperature exceeds rapidly), my body shakes, my hands get real sweaty, and I choke or my voice shakes. That's why I prefer to wear sunglasses most of the time. It's like no one can really see me. I guess this goes back to growing up, treated like a middle child while I was "the baby" for six years. I always did something bad to get attention and developed an impatient and rude attitude, often mistaken for anger. And when I get awarded for something good, I always feel like I don't deserve it. I think that's why I hate my birthday. Everyone's fake, giving attention and being nice and the next day it's like you're invisible again. My anxiety disorder practically runs my life. Obviously. It also led me to dangerous habits and other disorders. I choose not to go to a therapist or get medication for it. I don't like being dependent on other things that might not be there in the future. I over analyze everything and worry too much, it kills me everyday. I just want to be able to breathe, even just for a second.
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