aka my white boyfriend.

Happy 17th Birthday to meeee~

My brother's girlfriend, who happens to share the same birthday as me, made me a delicious, chocolate cake. <3

Biggest Fears

A little somthin' for the self-esteem.

Curled

I miss it. The feeling of emptiness when going to sleep and waking up, yet so much built inside. I felt like I was in control. Grades were perfect, finished my homework early, got chores done, and exercised for two hours. All in one school day. I don't know how to go back. Sure, I was miserable, walking around with barely enough energy to make it through the day, but I liked the way I felt when looking at myself. I wasn't satisfied. Hell no. That's why I kept doing it to myself. Knowing my stomach was shrinking, bones became more visible, and body becoming smaller each day. I want all of that again. I'm hungry for it.

Oh, ya know...just chilling.

I don't care what you say, so what?

I think it was the fourth of july

Saturday in the Park - Chicago

I remember falling in love with this song when it came up on an infomercial 5 or 6 years ago. Chicago is just an amazing band. I like to listen to it every now then, preferably in the summer.

Hey little bitty pretty one...

Little Bitty Pretty One - Thurston Harris

you really have no idea...

I hate attention. I hate it. I hate it. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!

My anxiety begins to act up when a lot of people draw their attention to me. My face gets red (no I'm not blushing or angry), inside I feel my face and sometimes body getting really warm (temperature exceeds rapidly), my body shakes, my hands get real sweaty, and I choke or my voice shakes. That's why I prefer to wear sunglasses most of the time. It's like no one can really see me. I guess this goes back to growing up, treated like a middle child while I was "the baby" for six years. I always did something bad to get attention and developed an impatient and rude attitude, often mistaken for anger. And when I get awarded for something good, I always feel like I don't deserve it. I think that's why I hate my birthday. Everyone's fake, giving attention and being nice and the next day it's like you're invisible again. My anxiety disorder practically runs my life. Obviously. It also led me to dangerous habits and other disorders. I choose not to go to a therapist or get medication for it. I don't like being dependent on other things that might not be there in the future. I over analyze everything and worry too much, it kills me everyday. I just want to be able to breathe, even just for a second.