college, college, college

Wow. Okay, so everyone like my peers, counselors, and family were expecting me to go to a university for college. Based on my grades and behavior, everyone placed me on a pedestal. They expected certain things from me. Things I knew I was not capable of. The dumbass that I am, I conformed myself to fit that mold. I did work my ass off in high school, don't get me wrong, I bullshited my way through and everything else was just me "winging it." I deprived myself from so much during high school to get those grades, but life had to interrupt and throw some trouble into it. That passed and senior year came. I was excited; finally my last year in high school. I sent out my college applications and got accepted to 8 out of the 11 schools that I applied to. Great schools too. My parents weren't too supportive. I was on this on my own, which by the way is a journey that is scary, stressful, and not always predictable if you're on your own. I planned to go to a great school an hour and a half away. Before May 1st, things went wrong here and there, and so I had to rush and check what schools I would be able to attend. I sent my intent to enroll at another school about an hour away, but still planned to attend another school 45 minutes away since I was wait listed and thought I would eventually get into. That didn't happen. I had a back-up plan so I should have been fine, right? NOPE. With no scholarships and no support from my parents, I gave up and lost my motivation. I didn't want to go anymore. I ignored the deadlines which led them (the school) to cancel my application. It did bite me in the ass. Now. I recently took my assessment test and my orientation at a community college. I placed below college level on my english and math. I was so disappointed because if I would have gone to a CSU, I would be in a college level math and english class. Sigh. I register for classes on Tuesday and everything is practically filled up already. I'm gonna end up taking a bunch of classes where I receive no transferable credits. My counselors were so disappointed in me. They had really expected much from me. It led me to feel like complete utter shit. I had great things going for me, and I ruined them. Something I worked extremely hard for - completely gone. This always happens. It's so odd for me to have good things happen and when they do either someone or I, subconsciously, ruin them. I feel like either way, I would have felt lost. I think I'm  not good at anything and that I will not succeed in life. I've never had confidence in me. I don't know what I'll do. Every day I have felt hopeless; like such a low-life. I'm not asking for pity. I just don't know what's ahead of me and I feel like no one is here to listen. I'm stranded in a vacant desert, standing in the middle of the road. Which way should I go? Left or right? 

I know this is something that I will deeply regret down the line. I'll never forgive myself.